Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

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ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride


Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.


A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.


I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them


I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.


Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.


Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.


*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM


*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*act surprised when they mention it*



do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify