Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
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Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.