@markedly

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

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@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

@That_Damn_Duck

Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.

@GrantTanaka

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

@haileev25

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

@lovemydogduck

I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.

@adriennekhals

Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.

@MissSassy_Pants

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

@Browtweaten

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

@girlontapas

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

@teenpuke

do you qualify to be my crush? *pulls out list* *checks off has a beating heart* yup you qualify