movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
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guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”