Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
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How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?