[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
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[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Proofread twice, hang posters once
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing