[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

You Might Also Like


in high school I was voted ‘who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before’


All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.


Guide to DIY:

1. Double the cost estimate.

2. Double the time it should take.

3. Live with it for 3 months

4. Hire someone to fix it.


It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.


Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.


*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back


4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.


Me: *sprints to the toaster*


him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha


me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*


(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond