@TragicAllyHere

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

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@bombsydoll

in high school I was voted ‘who is that? does she even go to our school? Never saw her before’

@IncrediblyRich

All you people who chose “The Real” or “Official” before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys.

@Eightinchgoat

Guide to DIY:

1. Double the cost estimate.

2. Double the time it should take.

3. Live with it for 3 months

4. Hire someone to fix it.

@UncleDuke1969

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

@BuckyIsotope

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

@urmumsausername

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

@SatansTongue

(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond