[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Perfection.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
real
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.