[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Always 🥴
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
dads on road-trips be like
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”