[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
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Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.