Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
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How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
What do you hear?
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.