[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
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Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
My Sentiments Exactly
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.