[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.