Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.