Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
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Respect
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I have so many questions.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
The Sun
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?