Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff