@iwearaonesie

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

You Might Also Like

@D2BMcG

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

@Jmboyd58

Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy

[car dies]

Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission

Jesus: Don’t test my mercy

@Dutch_50

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

@beefman138

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

@Cheeseboy22

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@MensHumor

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

@SkinnieTalls

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

@_SingleBabyMama

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

@abbycohenwl

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-