[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
he looks great for his age
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I see your IQ test came back negative
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon