#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.