MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
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my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Oh my god
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container