@psybermonkey

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

You Might Also Like

@Alpot86

I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1

@curlycomedy

If you watch someone kissing in public for too long you become what’s weird about it.

@buttgh0st

frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone

@ObscureGent

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.

@VampireIguana

*flips table*

YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS

@ladybroseph

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

@Slim_is_Fat

(Watching Liar Liar)

Wife: If you couldn’t lie for 24 hrs, how much longer would we be married?

Me: Until the end of this movie.

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.