It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Raisins are grape jerky.
? 💀
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Introverted vegans go meetless
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads