Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
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{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion