Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
5 ways to appear taller
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
These 3D printers are insane!
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”