Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
True
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
me when I see my crush
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I wish this was real life…
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman