MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

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I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?


I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.


wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap



Invisible Hands Adam: shit


Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”


GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.


2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.


If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know


My girlfriend will be like “you suck at decorating” and then confidently put three twigs in an old milk jug.


I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.