Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed
MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
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“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Million dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?
Me: no, it says “worked it”
I: worked what?
[disco ball drops]
[rips off pants]