@sofarrsogud

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

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@AndrewR31

Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

@BradBroaddus

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

@Dunkaroos

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

@sparticus_af

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

@TuSoonShakur

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

@LionJenkins

Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?

@squirrel74wkgn

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

@bgdadyspnkbtm

My goal of having sex in 2020 isn’t looking good.

2021 isn’t looking good either.

@LostFelicia

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.