@sofarrsogud

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

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@Jake_Vig

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

@SteveSuckington

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

@IvoryGazelle

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

@Holy_Mowgli

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

@oigoabuya

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

@ricedaddy7

Million dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

@SheeeRatchet

Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.

@MinedOvaMatter

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

@mostunladylike

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

@uncle_fescue

Interviewer: so your last job you worked in IT?

Me: no, it says “worked it”

I: worked what?

[disco ball drops]

[rips off pants]
Me: “it”