@sofarrsogud

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

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@RBColl

I wonder why call them backup vocals. Was there ever a time the lead fainted and the backup took over the mic and the show went on as usual?

@myonlymizztake

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

@bugbucket

wonder why’s theres a pizza laying here in the middle of the woods *eats it* *dies 82 years later* dammit it was a trap

@punmagnate

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

@FullGrownChris

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

@SufficientCharm

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

@hellolanemoore

2020 was supposed to be the year of flying cars, and instead it’s the year Americans learned they’re supposed to be washing their hands.

@IamEveryDayPpl

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

@turnerbarrowman

My girlfriend will be like “you suck at decorating” and then confidently put three twigs in an old milk jug.

@Donna_McCoy

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.