MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
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Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Bros before Ohioes
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.