@AnniemuMary

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

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@AudreyPorne

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

@hummusandpizza

at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”

@StephenKing

Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.

@HomeProbably

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

@WilliamAder

While I fully intended to “sleep my way to the top,” it appears I’ve napped my way to the middle.

@tarashoe

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

@AnkCoupleTO

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

@DebasaurusRex

Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don’t want anyone’s duck in my can’t.

@ChaseMit

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”