Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
You Might Also Like
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS