Ground beef is cow applesauce
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
When the bell on your bus doesn’t work…
If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
You think your cat is pretty easy going, but then the kids want to find out if cats float in the bathtub.
You’re like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are