@AnniemuMary

Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.

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@glamoureptile

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

@sixfootcandy

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

@CrabbyDaCrab

Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

@GrowlyGrego

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

@jake_lach

If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

@junejuly12

You think your cat is pretty easy going, but then the kids want to find out if cats float in the bathtub.