Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
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Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Just parrot things
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Same pineapple, same
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
A roof is a house hat.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”