Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I didn’t realize that was an option
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.