Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
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Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …