[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
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Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
figuring out my emotional availability:
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.