[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
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“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.