@OfficeofSteve

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

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@sarah_edo

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

@Hypercraxy

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

@jazz_inmypants

her: i love astrology

me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest

her: that’s astronomy, and yes

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

@iGreenMonk

It’s all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

@clichedout

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

@gaddy_alex

“you said you were 5 min away”

me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..

@thenatewolf

Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.

@Gen22

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient