Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
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I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
her: i love astrology
me: are u sexually attracted to jupiter be honest
her: that’s astronomy, and yes
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
It’s all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“you said you were 5 min away”
me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..
Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
So basically life is cancelled