Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@truegritrumble

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

@peanusts

elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body

@SteveMartinToGo

Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”

@daemonic3

Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?

“Mom, it’s-”

*dad makes throat slice gesture*

“No one, Mom. No one”

@GaryLineker

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

@PaperWash

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

@Josievorenkamp

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

@TheMomAtLaw

Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.

Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.

Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.

@Playing_Dad

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

@ClearlyUnwell

I will ride you like a helicopter. Totally out of control.