Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
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Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I will ride you like a helicopter. Totally out of control.