*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.