I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
was so excited to find a message in a bottle damn
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?