mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

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If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.


I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.


…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…

[Chapstick Season]


I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one


This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.


English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol


(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?