mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
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A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Yup….perfect score!
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.