Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
You Might Also Like
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired