Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?