You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*