@crushingbort

“Mr Bush, do you want my coke?”
“Yeah sure” *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
“Hey kid…catch”
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*

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@JohnHilsen

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

@shopkins776

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

@TheTweetOfGod

UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES

8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU

@VanGobot

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

@serialmatrix

How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

@AbrasiveGhost

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

@GeorgeResch

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

@ShortSleeveSuit

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself