“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
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Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.