Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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The best shot in the history of golf
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Lmao the reply
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down