20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.
Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
Me: Two fingers here.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
*walks up to girl*
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*