@EllaZee5

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

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@grievre

20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives

@JoParkerBear

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

@TheDailySchmuck

I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper.

Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

@ilovepie84

Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway?

You’re welcome.

@bobvulfov

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

@Jamdug

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

@mjkspeaks

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

@Th3BadGuy__

I asked a girl to kiss me under a mistletoe and she said she wouldn’t kiss me under anesthesia.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*