mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?