@TuSoonShakur

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

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@amazymay72x

sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.

whos laughing now?

@Darlainky

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

@inmyimage007

I wonder if my kids know they can ask me a question when I’m NOT in the bathroom?

@Vodkantots

In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you’re never allowed to unbutton your pants.

@OllyiConic

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

@mommajessiec

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

@steph_mcca

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

@Dr_awfulpants

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*