@TuSoonShakur

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

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@Tobi_Is_Fab

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

@welivinasociety

this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along

@ObscureGent

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

@QwertyJones3

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

@ozzyunc

Star Wars spoke to me because I’d rather join a cult than do farm chores.

@zgbetty

The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

@3sunzzz

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.