sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.
whos laughing now?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I wonder if my kids know they can ask me a question when I’m NOT in the bathroom?
In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you’re never allowed to unbutton your pants.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Shoutout to the dozens of people still trying to make Google+ a thing!
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*