mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Hey I worked for it too!
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Hmmmmm
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.