I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Star Wars spoke to me because I’d rather join a cult than do farm chores.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.