Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Erm…
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.