Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
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*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?