Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
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Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
hackers play passwordle
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.