I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
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Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
🙂🐾
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.