Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
You Might Also Like
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
TODAY
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?