Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
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*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.