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If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.