Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water