“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

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It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.


High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”


My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh


I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.


You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!


Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.


KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog


I think marriage is probably like having a business partner. No that’s not true, probably weird if your business partner takes your kids


She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore


Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people

Me: correcting people, actually

I: no it’s-

Me: i know what it says