It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I dream about living in a world where Adobe never asks me to update it.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I think marriage is probably like having a business partner. No that’s not true, probably weird if your business partner takes your kids
She sells sea shells on the:
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says