Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
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Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Please do it!
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.