Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”