Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.


My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.


ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]


Me: I’d kill for your body.

Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…

Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder


It’s always good to know what’s happening in astrology. When nothing seems to be going right, you can blame the stars.


[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.


My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.


COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.


Being nice to people who don’t deserve it is exhausting, but the feeling at the end of the day, when you’re not in jail for murder, is nice.