@SvnSxty

Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day

Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

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@Jarhead44

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

@gitson_shiggles

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

@SarahKernig

I’m gonna start Roman life on campus instead of Greek life and what you get to do is raid sororities and frats parties and take their stuff

@hippieswordfish

*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here

@WarrenHolstein

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

@Rockenden

If ever you’re feeling down, and I can’t be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.

@noog

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

@TakeForGrantd

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division