Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day

Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please

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Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.


Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.


I’m gonna start Roman life on campus instead of Greek life and what you get to do is raid sororities and frats parties and take their stuff


*sees red lobster commercial*
oh shit that looks good
*goes to red lobster*
what the absolute hell happened in here


Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.


If ever you’re feeling down, and I can’t be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.


*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.


Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division