This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
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[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.