Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
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Safety first
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
ready to be harvested
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”